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Gamer Wonders if Game was Worth 8 Controllers

By MaximumTacolord - 10-16-06

How often are gamers forced to make unaided guesses about the number of controllers they’ll lose because of a video game purchase? For how long will gamers be forced to fill their carts with four dual shocks for every game just because they just don’t know?

“Come on, it’s the year 2006 and we still have to ask if it’s worth replacing a $100 worth of controllers?” TJ, an avid gamer said as he thrust his bleeding fists into the innards of an eviscerated controller that refused to kill enough of his foes.

“Seriously, we have the ESRB using scare tactics to ward us away from games with indecent dialogue or alcohol but nothing that says how many controllers we’ll break, this is outrageous,” Matteo said as he preformed an elbow drop from a couch onto his controller which caused his character to die for the 13th time. 

“Why hasn’t the government done anything to help us? They can spend months glaring at a single nipple, but can’t make one sweeping bill warning gamers not to play this game on hardwood floors?” Matteo added as he was rushed to the emergency room with bone sticking out of his arm from the ill-fated drop.

Originally, the problem remained largely in the console arena. You know, throwing a light gun through a TV in an attempt to kill that dog from “Duck Hunt.” However, with the development of online gaming and dealing with an eight-year-old calling you an r-tard while shooting you in the face, computer gaming has been affected as well. With even more expensive outcomes.

“My custom designed mouse, weighted specifically for my palm… gone,” Fatal Fetus said as he urinated on the remains of his left mouse button. “All because those assholes at Sierra couldn’t include a warning about the risk of the game making you use a 300 dollar mouse as a morning star because your cat distracted you from defeating the internet.”

“There isn’t much we can do. We just have to pick up the pieces, ice down our knuckles, and buy a new controller until the corporations decide to take some responsibility for themselves,” David said as he dug another shallow grave in his backyard for the third bag full of plastic this week.





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