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Rail! Entertainment > Docs >

Crap From My Personal Home Page™

By Michael - 10-06-01

This article refers to my old Prodigy home page, which no longer exists.

Warning: If you've been to my personal home page, chances are you've seen all this stuff before. Just go about your business, and pretend you never saw this. Really. Stop reading this. Damnit, I'm not joking! Go away! I mean it!

Still here? You can't say I didn't warn you. Okay then, on with the... words I make by punching random keys! 

I'm currently on vacation from work, meaning: I have lots of free time. Too much free time. Anyway, I thought I'd bash out a couple more documents for this site, but I couldn't think of anything to write about. Up to this point, everything in the Docs section is recycled material, so why stop now? Several pages of the Docs section so far have been created by digging through my closets, CD's, and my hard drive for material, with hardly any new writing on my part (This is referred to as being "lazy" and "bored" - "lazy" as in: "microwave dinners"; "bored" as in: "The Discovery Channel").

Here, in the continuing traditions of "any useless text document will do", and "let's slap something together real quick", is a sampling of some of the weirder things I've posted on my personal home page. These segments have been copied and pasted almost exactly as they appeared on my home page.

On with the random garbage!

#1: Cranberry Mango Salsa
(Originally posted November 14, 2000)

Hello, and welcome to my nifty little home on the web. First of all, my friends, I want you to look at a holiday product that I came across. Try to look at it for ten seconds without saying, "What the hell?" or laughing. I giggled with boyish glee when I saw it.

This is an actual product. I did not do this in PhotoShop. In case you can't see the ingredients from this image, they read:

"This incredible salsa is made from Mangos, Incredible Cranberry, Sweet Onion and Bell Peppers, Jalapeno, Cilantro, Lime Juice, Grapeseed Oil and Seasonings"

Yummy. Around the holidays, when I throw up, I expect my vomit to taste like egg nog, not cranberry mango salsa, thank you very much.

They're charging $12.00 a pound for salsa created for stoners, by stoners.

#2: Marginal Euphoria Poem
(Originally posted August 9, 2001)

...In high school, as some of you know, I took a poetry class.  Anyway, the thing was, I'd come in, sit down, talk to girls, scribble a bunch of bull on a piece of paper and call it a "poem". Really, I'd write anything. At the end of the school year, we published a little journal called Marginal Euphoria - We each did a poem and a haiku, and we had a little bit of autobia autobiobra stuff about ourselves at the end. I asked Denise if she still had her copy (my copy is still in Florida). The next day, she emailed my poem and haiku to me. Thanks, Denise! Now I will use my poetry to embarrass myself!

Here is the poem that got published...

By Michael Laskaris

What's this
You're on fire again?
Better go dry off
You might catch cold

The cat needs to be put out
But not the dog
Oh, no
The dog stays inside
For who knows what predators wait in the house

What about the cat?
The thing can take care of its own self
Now go dry off
You're on fire again

What was wrong with me? I blame society.

#3: Marginal Euphoria Haiku
(Originally posted August 9, 2001)

...And here is the haiku. I bow my head in shame.

By Michael Laskaris

I am unemployed
Yet have a wonderful job
I sell lots of pain

Where's my writer's award?

Well, that's all I have for now. I know, it's not much, but you have to realize something - I'm not a writer. Well, I like to write, it's just that I kinda suck at it. I'm getting better, though. "Practice Makes Perfect", I guess, or in my case, "Practice Makes Other People Close Their Web Browsers and Contemplate Suicide".

So, if you haven't gouged your own eyes out, or given up on this site altogether, you can look forward to my next planned "article" sometime next week. It will feature GREASE ABSORBER. I'm not kidding.






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