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Violence against Doppelgangers on the Rise

By MaximumTacolord - 05-21-06

Milwaukee- A recent study conducted by the Taconian Academy indicates increased violence towards doppelgangers. “According to our polls and police reports, nearly 1 in 4 doppelgangers are the victims of violent crimes today,” Professor Tacolord, head of doppelganger research at the Academy stated. “As opposed to the 1 in 5 doppelganger victims in the 90s. Even then, those crimes had a 20 percent less chance of producing a ‘holy crap’ response.”

Doppelganger acting doppelish. 

“Tensions between humans and doppelgangers have been pretty high since the Middle Ages,” Tacolord explained. “Back then, seeing a doppelganger was considered bad luck. Naturally the best solution at the time was to blindly kill anything doppelish to prevent glancing at the jinx. This created a lot of bad blood, because much of it got dirty while gathering on the plague covered floor. Art majors drawing still life suffered as well.”

“Doppelganger portrayal in the media is nothing short of racist,” Doppel Taco, doppelganger of the Tacolord stated. “Come on, have you ever seen Bizarro Superman? It looks like he tied a dictionary to his soft spot as an infant. Don’t even get me started on Sealab 2021! How many doppelgangers have they killed on that show alone?”

What inspires doppelganger violence though? Professor of Sociology, Jenni Lee, had this to say, “Most people consider themselves to be good. However, when viewing their copy, they tend to see the darker aspects of their own behavior displayed in the doppelganger. This makes people assume the doppelganger is itself evil.”

“Most humans feel threatened by doppelgangers because we’re an open minded group of people seeking to share in the culture and experience of our twins,” Queen Doppel-poppolis, current ruler of the Doppel home world, commented. “Many doppelgangers have gone as far as sharing in their twin’s relationships as well. Like the saying goes, when you’ve been doppeled in the ass, hot dick just won’t do. Many relationships have ended with confused lovers asking, where’d that spark from last night go? Obviously, this spawns a lot of resentment, but that doesn’t mean humans shouldn’t give up on bettering themselves just because killing a doppelganger may be simpler.”

Recently, media portrayal has improved in the regards of doppelgangers with games like Devil May Cry 3. In it, Dante (the protagonist) can unite with his shadow doppelganger to battle demons. Still, Doppel Taco believes more needs to be done. “Sure, Dante works with a doppelganger. But it looks like a little Goth pussy. Silent, moody, and dark. No doppelganger likes doppeling a Goth. Until the media starts putting more doppelgangers in leading roles like they did with Fight Club and not placing them as cheap knock offs, this violence will never end. We’re people to, even if we’re born after humans.”

Tacolord warns against taking rash actions in the future, “Nothing will be solved by increasing hate and violence. We must look at this situation rationally and with an open mind. Only when we’re able to sit down and talk as equals will we be able to act as them.”

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