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Top Ten Meals For Lazy Single Guys

By Michael - 12-13-01

Here is a disclaimer for all of you who are easily offended. Since I am no longer on a free web hosting service, I can and will use profanity if I want to.

For example: "My ex-girlfriend's father is an arrogant fucking jackass."

So, you've been warned.

"I Like My Women Inbred" is finished. I'm working on Sadistic Talent. Now that I'm between projects, it's time to write some more mediocre filler material for the site. Here we go...

It's not that I'm lazy, exactly... I'm actually a decent cook when I want to be - My guess is that most of us are. It's just that it's not always worth going through the hassle of preparing a decent meal when it's just you. As an experienced single person, I thought I'd help out my colleagues, and give you all a few tips on what you, as a lazy single guy, should eat (It's late, I'm an insomniac, and I need a topic. I am also very hungry). 

Quick story about this: When I was planning this article, the power went out in my apartment (at night). So I walked around with my digital camera and flashlight taking pictures of food in the dark - I'm what you might call a dumbass.

#10: Honeycomb cereal - All you need is milk, and the box is freaking huge! It lasts me over a month. I think it's also got vitamins and stuff. Crunch crunch crunch! If you've ever eaten it right out of the box, it makes your hands smell funny...

The box is freaking huge™.

#9: Sandwich with chips - When all else fails, break out the stash of cold cuts (Removing any mold or fungus from around the edges). Put a couple slices on some bread. If you have any mayonnaise, now would be a good time to use it. Find something that looks like cheese, and throw that on there, too. Have some chips. Eat them off a paper towel, 'cause hell, you don't want to have to clean an entire plate. If you're out of cold cuts, you'd better have a can of tuna in the cupboard somewhere. If you don't, you're not a real man.

#8: Chef Boyardee Ravioli -  I buy a can of this stuff every time I go grocery shopping. Filled with whatever meat Chef Boyardee could find under the couch. Goes well with toast, salad and cottage cheese. Aw, come on - you don't like cottage cheese? It's made from spoiled milk.

#7: Dinty Moore Beef Stew - This is good stuff, and it actually tastes like meat. Have this with a salad, and some peas (canned, of course), and some bread and butter. Be sure to wash your face immediately afterwards, or you will get pimples. If you already have pimples, wash your face anyway- God knows you need to.

#6: Hot Dogs with Cheese Filling - These are what I eat when I run out of groceries. They last forever in the refrigerator, take less than a minute to microwave, and go well with potato chips, fries, and/or chili. Each one of these takes approximately a week off your life, so enjoy!

#5: Microwave Pot Pies - I like these, but I don't always buy them. They're great single guy food - you've got your meat group, your vegetable group, your... um... pie group, and they're microwavable. Like I always say, "If you can't microwave it, it ain't da shiznit, bitch."

#4: Processed Chicken Patties - You can make a sandwich, or you can pour gravy over 'em, or you can just eat em with a knife and fork, pretending that they're some kind of steak! (Note: all single men must have a Fry Daddy. You must use the Fry Daddy as often as possible. The Fry Daddy is your best friend.)

#3: Red Baron Frozen Pizza - I buy one of these a week, because sometimes I have a craving for grease. Seriously, these are decent.

#2: Hungry Man Dinners - I actually look forward to eating these - especially the turkey dinner. I haven't paid much attention to the Nutrition Facts, though. I'll probably die soon. Some of these have two steps for microwaving - you have to cook it for so many minutes on high power, and so many minutes on medium power. This is inconvenient to me, so I just cook it at high power for say, 20 minutes. That'll show 'em.

Mmm, Turkey...

#1: Ramen Noodles - You can live for a week off two dollars. The traditional standby of men everywhere, from college dorms to crack houses. This stuff is about as good for you as drinking saltwater might be - check out the sodium content! Anyway, if this top ten was actually voted, instead of made up on the spot, ramen noodles would still get the #1 spot - guaranteed.


Imagine the above picture with a flashing border (I could make an animated .gif, but it's late).

Now that I've thoroughly bored myself (and you), I should be able to get to sleep with no problems. If not, I guess I'll bash out another bullshit article.






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