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My Move To Richmond - With Commentary!
Page 3: Terror on the Freeway! |
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It is time to cover the drive. My mom, who helped with the move,
loaded us up with snacks.
"They were brilliant snacks!" says Frosty.
"Otherwise, we would have been S.O.L. cause by the time we got
to the bean burritos, they were just disgusting. I think I
almost made myself sick trying to eat those. They were just nasty, I
mean it was unacceptable.
Our feet and clothes were soaked, and we were pretty miserable
for most of the drive. I at least got to remove my shoes and keep my
feet by the floor heater, but whenever we stopped for gas or snacks,
those soggy, cold things went right back on. <shivers>
We did the math for the drive, assuming it would only take 10
hours to get from Northwest Georgia to Virginia. But that's at
normal speed limits. Unfortunately, the recommended speed for a
truck with a trailer is 45 miles per hour.
Frosty says: "I don't know who came up with that, but that
shit clearly sucks."
So, we're limited to driving 45 miles per hour, we're dragging my
car on a trailer behind us, and we decide to get on the highway in
the rain. Due to the wideness of the truck, I couldn't see my
car on the trailer behind us. So every time we hit a bump, I'd look
back and think we lost my vehicle.
In the process of being thorough, I'll just let you know that we
stopped at a Wal-Mart for snacks, drinks, and dry socks.
The truck was equipped with a radio, but the only stations that
were available were pretty much country.
Frosty: "So we decided not to listen to country. That was a
wise decision. Looking back now, ten hours of country we'd be
fucking killing people or something, who knows?"
"So we came up with the idea to get some portable speakers
for the iPod. Portable. You know, you put some batteries in 'em,
plug 'em into the iPod, and you can crank some tunes while you
drive... The ones that we find are supposedly portable, and they're
about forty bucks. So we decided we'd get the forty dollar portable
speakers that way we'd have some decent tunes for driving... We go
out to the truck, hook up these "portable speakers" and
come to find out that the "portable speakers" have a plug
that needs to be plugged into an electrical wall outlet. And it's
about two inches long. So you go anything beyond two inches past
that wall outlet, and it's not really portable, is it?
Frosty on driving the truck: "With the trailer, on top of
the weight inside the U-Haul, it really had crappy brakes and we
were just like, struggling to get slowed down in time... Yeah, there
were some parts in town where we were just like, we didn't know if
we were gonna actually stop before the stop light or just run right
up the intersection or what. It was pretty intense."
Frosty began chugging down Coca Cola Blak, in an effort to stay
awake and stay vivid. "I think I sucked down six or seven Coca Cola Blak's at that
point..." says Frosty. "...There was traffic really bad because of the construction.
There must have been construction I'd say, at least a third of the
trip... We're cruising through construction, and we're doing 45, and
everybody else is doing about 70... and we get to one point where
the lanes are really skinny. And to my right are cones, and to the
left is a man who's driving so close to my lane that his tires are
actually over the white line - the little white striped line - So I
have to make a decision. Either drive by him, and probably shred up
the side of his truck and have to pay some damages on the U-Haul,
and have our insurance rates go through the roof, or, you know, take
out a couple of those cones, and you know, potentially knock one out
of the universe... But it was a last-minute thing, and I'm
white-knuckling the steering wheel trying to stay in the lane, and
not hit this guy... Hit that cone, man... and I was sure we broke a
piece of the trailer off, 'cause I looked behind me and I saw that
cone just go flying into outer space (Begins to imitate sound of
cone flipping through air)... I was sure we were gonna end up
running into something if that kept up. Luckily, the guy next to me
finally stepped on it, took off and left us, so I actually had a
little more room... The drive, man. That was an intense drive."
We also were nearly blown off the road several
times by the mighty winds of semi trucks. Frosty would give them the
"High Beam Courtesy Flash" to either:
a) Insult them.
b) Let them pass.
Frosty goes over courtesy flashes in greater
detail in the commentary:
"For the most
part, I think more often than not, we got the thank-you flashes
back... but there were a few that totally ignored us, some that just
kept hauling ass in the other lane..."
It was now maybe three or four in the morning, and we experienced
great difficulty in finding a proper rest stop to take a quick
two-hour nap. We needed a place where we could drive in and out
without having to back up (we weren't supposed to back up with the
trailer attached to the truck). Over a span of several hours, we
tried maybe four or five rest stops, none of them entirely adequate
until the very last one. And it was nearly impossible to sleep in
the truck.
"The cab of this U-Haul has a fixed bench seat. It can't go
back any further than it is, doesn't recline, you're pretty much
sitting straight up and down, there's no room, we've got so much
crap in the U-Haul with us between the snacks and the bag of trash,
and you know, our wet socks and stuff. there's just no room to maneuver.
So finally we get to so we're so damn tired, we don't care, we're
just gonna sleep anyway... Roll the windows up, lock the doors, pray
for our safety.... go to sleep... Well, I doze for about forty-five
minutes before the temperature of the cab became pretty unbearably
hot. And I awake to a person in a Cadillac Escalade (Editor's note:
With a demonic murderer inside) pulling up right beside me, and just
sitting there. And I'm thinking, 'Of all the places in the parking
lot they could've pulled, they pulled right there.' So right about
that time, I'm like, 'We gotta fuckin' roll..."
JESUS, THIS IS TOO LONG, LET'S WRAP THIS UP.
I agree. So we finally got to Richmond after maybe a thirteen hour drive.
For my first day here, I slept. Then I hallucinated. We didn't even remove the car from the trailer until the next day. Some time later, I got myself a job, and I've been fairly busy ever since. So you see, that's why I haven't written an article in about a year. Now that MaximumTacoLord has been fired after blatantly abusing my website, I look forward to writing more often in the near future.
-Michael
Commentaries (In MP3 Format):
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