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Aspiring Super Villain Considers Michael for a Nemesis

By MaximumTacolord - 08-26-06

Super Villainy is a rough racket these days. Real super heroes are hard to come by and the waiting list to fight them is pretty long. Sure, everyone wishes they could battle the likes of Bill Gates on a weekly basis, but do you know how many enemies he has? You have to wait years until the other plots currently unveiling themselves succeed or fail before you can start yours.

“Villainy has a lot of politics,” said a representative for the Evil People’s Guild. “Sometimes millions of dollars and thousands of man hours goes into just one plot that has a very poor chance of success. If we let just anyone start a plot whenever they felt like it, we’d end up with a lot of pissed off bad dudes all looking at a colleague in evilness who killed off their nemesis while they were trying to.”

This is the situation of “The Poster.” A high school aged villain with a strong love for sending mean emails, making wikipedia entries about his junk, and posting semen jokes in forums. Sure, it generates some chaos, but it’s nothing like the epic struggles seen between Jin Wicked and “The Creationists,” Steven Hawking and “Stairs,” Penny-Arcade and “Their Insane Fans Watching them Sleep,” and of course MaximumTacolord and his archenemies “Herr Science.”

“Michael would probably make a good nemesis. He’s no Alan the Box, that’s for sure. But someone like Alan would kick my ass,” The Poster said. “Maybe after I get feet wet with blood I’ll be able to move up to the likes of him, perhaps some professional animators or directors, Chuck Palahniuk has really been pissing me off lately. That Haunting book was just gross. I actually spent twenty bucks on it and I can’t even read it without wanting to vomit. But I’ll need more henchmen for a guy like Chuck. And you really need to start in the small leagues before you can attract that kind of help.”

The Poster was first enraged towards Rail! Entertainment’s Michael Laskaris after he was called stupid by Michael’s “Construction Workers Messed Up My Yard” article. “Seriously, what is with this guy? I give him great advice for the BFG and he calls me stupid! What an ass!” The Poster screamed while waving his fists in the air.

“Everyone thinks world domination is the way to go. But after you do it, all the fun is gone,” said Vice President Dick Cheney. “No one conquering the world ever thinks about what they’ll do with it after they take it. It’s all boring politics from there. And the nemeses, it isn’t even fair. A world dictator against some impoverished peasant? It isn’t even worth getting out of bed for!”

“Struggles are great. It’s the first real step towards being super instead of just a villain. How many people can say walls echo curses of their names? Not many,” said Dr. Doom. “Besides, the more famous your nemesis gets, the more famous you get by proxy. It’s like a freakin’ bonus without the work! That’s why it’s so hard to kill them when you get the chance. Sure you say you want the ninja sharks to cut them up with playing cards, but you really want them to escape and get even more famous for it.”

“I’ve wanted to step into the big leagues for awhile now,” said The Poster. “The problem with general chaos is, too much and no one knows it’s you. Because too many people are like, ‘what’s going on?’ Also, just like destroying the world, there are some parts you want to leave alone. Because you keep your stuff there. That’s why this league is so hard to break into. Who knows if you won’t lose all your fame to some copy cat in a mask?”

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