Here's an article that's been sitting around on my hard drive since this summer. 

I received a package from my father this July, packed in a Busch Light beer box. At first I assumed I was receiving the Gift of Alcohol, followed soon by the Gift of Wandering Around and Hitting on Random Ugly Women. Unfortunately, there were no alcoholic beverages anywhere in the box (I turned it upside down to double-check). Instead of 18 beers, the box contained several items I hadn't seen in over ten years - Old photos of friends, letters, concert stubs, flyers, my first guitar strings, and many other items from my youth - All sorts of nostalgic memorabilia from the good ol' days. It hit me pretty hard to see some of this stuff again after so long.

So in my usual fashion, I will dig through the package and randomly review whatever I can find. This would not be necessary if I could find a writer. Help wanted, folks. Help wanted.

"Did you get the package I shent?" my father slurred.

IRON MAIDEN PATCHES

Before I begin, here is a Newgrounds review I received for my "I Just Want To Get A Nap" animation, which I described on the site as a "Nu-metal parody". Describing it as Nu-metal was admittedly a mistake on my part, but that's the closest I could come to describing the song. It's not quite metal. This guy's review is basically about how us kids don't know real metal, and goes on in droning detail about Iron Maiden, as if I'd never heard of them. As if I didn't have a mullet when I was 15. And the punk gave me a 2! A 2!!!

You kids don't know about Maiden, with your fancy Nu-Metal, and your doggone Power Rangers...

I'll admit to the three-chord simplicity during the chorus, but I respond with this question: What about the "wheedledeedledee a donk a donk donk donk" during the verses? There are more than three chords in that, if you count single notes. There is also the "Payments as low" interlude before the break where I truly jam out. Think about that, son.

Up the Irons!!

Back to Iron Maiden... I dig through the package... Oh, what's this? 16-year-old Iron Maiden back-patches? For a denim jacket, perhaps? Possibly worn by a skinny kid with pimples and braces? This proves it! I was THERE, and I was there FIRST.

The first patch is a stitched rendition of the "Iron Maiden" album cover. I think I bought it off a friend for like 5 dollars. The second is a "Two Minutes To Midnight" design. I can't remember where I got it, but it is dated proof of my old-school-metal-ness.

DUCK!

I was hospitalized with bronchitis when I was 13. During my stay at the hospital, my father brought me a few comic books, and a wooden duck to paint. It's not bad, but I thought I did a better job than that. The duck's pupil isn't very defined, but I think the brushing on the wings is fairly realistic. Other than painting, I cannot think of many uses for a wooden duck. It can't be used as a decoy, since it's too small. It can be used as a paperweight, I suppose, but I don't have much use for one of those. If it could be used to clip a bag of potato chips shut, then we might be in business.

HOOTERS MENU

My creative writing class in 10th or 11th grade took a field trip to a college in Miami to see a poetry reading/presentation. I remember two things:

One of the first poets on the stage started off with the lines:

"I (dramatic pause) am a poet... and I bet you didn't even know it!"

I'm not exaggerating. That's what she said. It just blew my mind, and changed my life. I woke up drooling several hours later, when the presentation was over.

The second thing that I remember is that after the readings, we got to wander freely around the campus, where myself and a group of headbangers ate at Hooters (I had fries). When you are 16 years old, there is nothing hotter than a good Hooters girl. Nothing. Later, we would refer to our trip to the college as "our field trip to Hooters". Anyway, that's where the menu came from, and that's why I kept it.

SPIRIT TAGS

Here are two "Spirit Tags" from my high school pep rallies. From what I can remember, they cost two dollars each. You also could not attend the pep rallies unless you purchased one. So we essentially paid to get out of class. I'll never understand football, or the enthusiasm behind it. The tags are labeled "Nail the Knights" and "Spear the Spartans". Knights and Spartans, I can only assume, were opposing teams of my school who needed to be impaled in various creative, grisly ways (See pictures). They must die painfully because they played football for another school, I suppose? Yes, I think I understand now.

SLAYER "SEASONS IN THE ABYSS" CASSETTE COVER

Here is a Slayer - Seasons In The Abyss cassette inlay, minus cassette. The cassette, along with my Walkman, was stolen right from my hands during lunch at school. I was sitting with my friends in a hallway, and this dude gingerly reached down and took it right out of my hands. At first, I thought it was a joke, and he was even sporting enough to slow down to a leisurely jog so I could catch up to him. I smoked at the time, so it wasn't like I could beat the guy in a race. And if I caught up to him, I would have to fight him, and he was much bigger than me. Anyway, I lost him.

We went to report the theft to school security. My friend identified the perp, since I didn't know who he was, or what his name was. For the sake of this article, let's just call him "Crackhead". I am horrible at remembering faces, so my friend had to do all of the talking. 

Security Guy: Is this the guy?

My Friend: That's HIM! (Pointing) That's him RIGHT THERE! Crackhead Brown! I'm sure of it!

Me: Really? Is that him?

My Friend: Dude! Don't let him intimidate you! Stand up for yourself, or you're not going to get your Walkman back! You need to be strong here!

Me (To Security Guy): Okay. That's him.

My Friend: Good. Now be prepared to duke it out if Crackhead and his friends violently attack us later.

Me: Wait. What?

If you're curious, I never got the Walkman back. Crackhead gave it to "The Fat Boy", whoever that was. I still have my cassette cover, though. It folds out, and makes a little poster, so I suppose all was not lost.

MARGINAL EUPHORIA

I had a poetry class in high school after we moved from Florida to Japan. We published a little book of our poetry at the end of the year. Here is the cover. I only wrote two poems for it.

We all wrote our own profiles. My profile seems to use my current writing style (with overuse of parentheses). And fragmented sentences. This proves that my writing hasn't improved much in the past 14 years or so.

I did go on to work at Burger King for one year after that, so my prediction came true. 

I mentioned the following poems in one of my first articles for this site, but at the time, I did not actually have my copy of the book. One of my former classmates emailed the poems to me. These, however, are actual scans from the book, which somehow makes them more authentic.

It's a haiku. Whatever. I sounded like a goth or something.

DOG Poem - This was on page two of the journal. I don't know if it was an "opening act" thing (put the lesser-known/least talented artist first) or if they actually put their favorite poems in the front of the book. My teacher thought this poem was really deep and cerebral, or at least that's what he told me. You see, "Put the cat out" can have a double meaning. It could mean "Put the cat outside", or it could mean, "Put the cat out because it has caught fire". This brilliance was far from intentional. I had simply decided to write the most random things I could think of - and being a 17 year old male, only a few subjects bounced around in my head. I'm sure you can guess one of them. The other was fire.

SCREW THIS, I'M DONE

I didn't review everything that was in the box, so I may have enough items for another article if I get really desperate. I've been planning to get back into writing for a while, but sometimes I just can't force myself to do it. Someday, I do plan to do at least article every two weeks or so. I need to find some CD's or games to review, but I'm still a little distracted. Bear with me, folks.