Here's an article that's been sitting around on my hard drive since this
I received a package from my father this July, packed in a Busch
Light beer box. At first I assumed I was receiving the Gift of
Alcohol, followed soon by the Gift of Wandering Around and Hitting
on Random Ugly Women. Unfortunately, there were no alcoholic
beverages anywhere in the box (I turned it upside down to
double-check). Instead of 18 beers, the box contained several
items I hadn't seen in over ten years - Old photos of friends,
letters, concert stubs, flyers, my first guitar strings, and many
other items from my youth - All sorts of nostalgic memorabilia from
the good ol' days. It hit me pretty hard to see some of this stuff
again after so long.
So in my usual fashion, I will
dig through the package and randomly review whatever I can find. This
would not be necessary if I could find a writer. Help
"Did you get the package I shent?" my father slurred.
IRON MAIDEN PATCHES
Before I begin, here is a Newgrounds review I received for my "I
Just Want To Get A Nap" animation, which I described on the
site as a "Nu-metal parody". Describing it as Nu-metal was
admittedly a mistake on my part, but that's the closest I could come
to describing the song. It's not quite metal. This guy's review is basically about how us
kids don't know real metal, and goes on in droning detail about Iron
Maiden, as if I'd never heard of them. As if I didn't have a mullet
when I was 15. And the punk gave me a 2! A 2!!!
You kids don't know about Maiden, with your fancy Nu-Metal, and
your doggone Power Rangers...
I'll admit to the three-chord simplicity during the chorus, but I
respond with this question: What about the "wheedledeedledee a
donk a donk donk donk" during the verses? There are more than
three chords in that, if you count single notes. There is
also the "Payments as low" interlude before the break
where I truly jam out. Think about that, son.
Up the Irons!!
Back to Iron Maiden... I dig through the package... Oh, what's
this? 16-year-old Iron Maiden back-patches? For a denim jacket,
perhaps? Possibly worn by a skinny kid with pimples and braces? This proves
it! I was
THERE, and I was there FIRST.
The first patch is a stitched rendition of the "Iron
Maiden" album cover. I think I bought it off a friend for like
5 dollars. The second is a "Two Minutes To Midnight"
design. I can't remember where I got it, but it is dated proof of my
I was hospitalized with bronchitis when I was 13. During my stay
at the hospital, my father brought me a few comic books, and a wooden duck
to paint. It's not bad, but I thought I did a better job than that.
The duck's pupil isn't very defined, but I think the brushing on the
wings is fairly realistic. Other than painting, I cannot think of
many uses for a wooden duck. It can't be used as a decoy, since it's
too small. It can be used as a paperweight, I suppose, but I don't
have much use for one of those. If it could be used to clip a bag of
potato chips shut, then we might be in business.
My creative writing class in 10th or 11th grade took a field trip
to a college in Miami to see a poetry reading/presentation. I remember two
One of the first poets on the stage started off with the lines:
"I (dramatic pause) am a poet... and I bet you didn't even
I'm not exaggerating. That's what she said. It just blew my mind,
and changed my life. I woke up drooling several hours later, when
the presentation was over.
The second thing that I remember is that after the readings, we
got to wander freely around the campus, where myself and a group of
headbangers ate at Hooters (I had fries). When you are 16 years old, there is
nothing hotter than a good Hooters girl. Nothing. Later, we would
refer to our trip to the college as "our field trip to
Hooters". Anyway, that's where the menu came from, and that's why I
Here are two "Spirit Tags" from my high school pep
rallies. From what I can remember, they cost two dollars each. You
also could not attend the pep rallies unless you purchased one. So
we essentially paid to get out of class. I'll never understand
football, or the enthusiasm behind it. The tags are labeled
"Nail the Knights" and "Spear the Spartans".
Knights and Spartans, I can only assume, were opposing teams of my
school who needed to be impaled in various creative, grisly ways
(See pictures). They must die painfully because they played football for another school, I
suppose? Yes, I
think I understand now.
SLAYER "SEASONS IN THE ABYSS"
Here is a Slayer - Seasons In The Abyss cassette inlay, minus
cassette. The cassette, along with my Walkman, was stolen right from
my hands during lunch at school. I was sitting with my friends in a hallway,
and this dude gingerly reached down and took it right out of my
hands. At first, I thought it was a joke, and he was even sporting
enough to slow down to a leisurely jog so I could catch up to him. I
smoked at the time, so it wasn't like I could beat the guy in a race. And
if I caught up to him, I would have to fight him, and he was much
bigger than me. Anyway, I lost him.
We went to report the theft to school security. My friend identified the
since I didn't know who he was, or what his name was. For the sake
of this article, let's just
call him "Crackhead". I am horrible at remembering faces,
so my friend had to do all of the talking.
Security Guy: Is this the
My Friend: That's HIM! (Pointing) That's him RIGHT THERE!
Crackhead Brown! I'm sure of it!
Me: Really? Is that him?
My Friend: Dude! Don't let him intimidate you! Stand up for
yourself, or you're not going to get your Walkman back! You need to
be strong here!
Me (To Security Guy): Okay. That's him.
My Friend: Good. Now be prepared to duke it out if Crackhead and his
friends violently attack us later.
Me: Wait. What?
If you're curious, I never got the Walkman back. Crackhead gave
it to "The Fat Boy", whoever that was. I still have my
cassette cover, though. It folds out, and makes a little poster,
so I suppose all was not lost.
I had a poetry class in high school after we moved from Florida
to Japan. We published a little book of our poetry at the end of the
year. Here is the cover. I only wrote two poems for it.
We all wrote our own profiles. My profile seems to use my current writing style (with overuse
of parentheses). And fragmented sentences. This proves that my
writing hasn't improved much in the past 14 years or so.
I did go on
to work at Burger King for one year after that, so my prediction came
I mentioned the following poems in
one of my first articles for this site, but at the time, I did
not actually have my copy of the book. One of my former classmates
emailed the poems to me. These, however, are actual scans from the book, which
somehow makes them more authentic.
It's a haiku. Whatever. I sounded like a goth or something.
DOG Poem - This was on page two of the journal. I don't know if it was an
"opening act" thing (put the lesser-known/least talented artist first) or
if they actually put their favorite poems in the front of the book.
My teacher thought this poem was really deep and cerebral, or at
least that's what he told me. You see,
"Put the cat out" can have a double meaning. It could mean
"Put the cat outside", or it could mean, "Put the cat
out because it has caught fire". This brilliance was far from
intentional. I had simply decided to write the most random things I
could think of - and being a 17 year old male, only a few subjects
bounced around in my head. I'm sure you can guess one of them. The
other was fire.
SCREW THIS, I'M DONE
I didn't review everything that was in the box, so I may have
enough items for another article if I get really desperate. I've
been planning to get back into writing for a while, but sometimes I
just can't force myself to do it. Someday, I do plan to do at least
article every two weeks or so. I need to find some CD's or games to
review, but I'm still a little distracted. Bear with me, folks.