We’ve all been asked why the chicken crossed the road, but how did the chicken do it? Roads are long pathways of doom, leading armored vehicles of annihilation towards their intended destination of destruction! Reaching the other side while avoiding these oversized buckets of war is a task far too great for a chicken. But perhaps it isn’t too great for you, the reader. So here’s a crash course in crossing the road.

Remember, cars can weigh over 4000 pounds and can surpass speeds of 140 miles per hour. The last thing you want to do is let those drivers see you. Do you just go around telling tigers, “Hey, I taste like meat filled candy?” Because if you did, I’m sure you only did it like, twice before the tiger ate you. A better idea would be to wait until night, wear all black, and dash across the road. Perhaps throw some black tarps onto the street before crossing to obscure the vision of any motorists that may be approaching. Smoke bombs may work as well, allowing you to run across in a dense fog. Through effective uses of stealth, camouflage, and distractions you’ll never have to worry about being seen by a driver while crossing the road.

Many individuals may recall having to hold their parents’ hands while crossing the road. This is a tactic you may wish to recreate now that you’re the one wearing big pants. By holding onto to a small child, you’ll have easy access to a light projectile that can do some serious damage to an approaching vehicle. Many attempt to recreate this experience with the elderly; however, they’re often heavier and break up with less resistance when thrown. But, if you have no other choice, old people can be used.

While preparing for crossing you may find yourself on the sidewalk or approaching a crosswalk. Although you may feel secure at these locations, your feelings lie. Sidewalks offer little in the way of protecting you against a tank and the crosswalk’s white paint lines will do nothing to deflect a large plastic bullet. In the old days, pedestrians would hide in the bushes waiting for the chariots to pass. Today, our urban jungle is designed to eliminate such safeguards. Today’s best camouflage for the sidewalk is probably a signpost suggesting a speed limit. These are often ignored, so much that even if it’s moving it still won’t be noticed. All you have to do is dress up like one, and your chances of survival will skyrocket by 20%.

For our final lesson, Parking lots. Contrary to the word’s meaning, these lots do not just house parked cars. In fact, many of these cars wait near dozing cars in an attempt to ambush those who are foolish enough to walk by, even former motorists. If at all possible, avoid the parking lot all together. Who knows when a parked car will spring to life and pounce on you. Even if you make it to the stores, you aren’t safe. What is a glass wall going to do to stop a car with a taste for blood?

Now that you’ve been educated more on the dangers of cars, you can better prepare yourself for the life of fear you must live everyday. And stigmatization is half the battle!