Gunfire, moans, explosions, pleas for help, explosions, the sound of meat on the back of a skull, explosions, and classical music, all of these things are pretty normal sounds coming out of a college student’s bedroom. But not when they’re followed by childish laughter.

“You can’t begin to understand the shit I go through,” said Matt Bryan. “Every time I go out of my room I hear that guy killing something in “Resident Evil 4” and laughing. It’s like Dane Cook is in there entertaining him by having his skin peeled off with a water bottle!”

Matt Bryan has been living with his roommate, Richie Ryan, for almost a year now. Everything seemed to be going fine at first. Richie always had the rent, he was neat and quiet.

“That’s probably the problem man, he’s quiet,” Matt said. “You know those quiet ones are always crazy. Only now he never shuts up, he’s always laughing. Laughing because a zombie is on fire, had its face blown off, or was pushed off a cliff. And that laugh itself, it’s like a kid burning an ant, only the kid has giant balls. It’s gotten to the point that I play death metal all day just to drown out the sound. Actually, I always played the death metal, it’s just now I thrash my head in fear of being brutalized instead of just being around
brutalness.”

“I’ve even gone as far as taking measures to protect myself,” Matt said. “I used to just leave my dishes wherever I finished eating from them. Or I put them next to the sink until Richie washed them. Now I put them in little piles in the hallways. That way I’ll know if he’s walking by, because he’ll either trip over them or have to make a huge noise trying to move them. There is no way he’d be able to make the jump and even if he could, no way that distance is being covered quietly.”

“Also, I have more people over now than ever,” Matt continued. “That way, if he finally snaps I’ll know because he’ll be killing all those guys before he can get to me. Or if I’m not home when he does it, I’ll be able to see all the blood leaking out from under the door before I open it.”

“I don’t know what else to do,” Matt said. “We’re both stuck in this stupid lease so neither of us can move out. He’s being trying to get out of it for awhile and I guess the stress of it all finally made itself clear in a video game. Man, who knows how much time I have left. Hopefully he cleans the toilets again before he kills me. That way I could be sure not to shit myself when he mistakes me for a zombie and starts digging for my brain with an office chair.”