I’m sick of all the strip club ads in the Onion. There I am, sitting around chuckling to the picture of a pig riding a donkey that’s driving an SUV. Only when I turn the page I’m forced to stare into the glare of an angry stripper woman with star nipples.

What do you think women around me are thinking while I’m reading this before class?

“Oh, I thought that was a nice guy, only it turns out he’s just another male demographic aged 17-30.”

Come on, the ad about dollar drinks? Are these guys trying to ruin me? I don’t want my female colleagues to know I’m cheap until a wonderful or incredibly dreadful evening, at least then my first impression can allow me a swing in the batter’s box! Afterwards, who cares if she finds out I blew $10 on drinks before the date?

Occasionally the ads for local events aren’t that bad, they’re sure to be as popular as they are intellectually stimulating. Sadly, these things are so rare that when they do occur, they’re usually dwarfed by the giant picture of “Little Kiss,” an all little people tribute band to Kiss. I’m not sure what’s worse, the fact my demographic would be into a novelty band featured on the “Daily Show,” the fact marketers think I’d care about a bunch of old farts getting “tribute,” or the fact I actually remember Little Kiss being on the Daily Show. But, it’s for the best I guess, most of those ads make me look like a pompous ass anyway. Looking like a pervert with a thing for tiny people probably helps more with chicks at a college than wearing a monocle and wearing a sweater-vest.

It isn’t all bad though, with Halloween around the corner, the ads finally highlight something me and onlookers can have in common, dressing up like a French maid to get spanked for candy. And who doesn’t like spankings and candy? Still, don’t you wish advertisers would give a little more thought to those I’m trying to impress around me?