A chaos filled auditorium lit only by the faint glow of monitors was the picture Saturday at the United Nations. Project management was rarely seen, let alone exercised its authority to gain control (assuming it ever had any). Arguments were had, shouts even translators couldn’t understand were heard, and electric wind god fists were thrown. It was a dark day indeed for the United Nation’s first ever Tekken Dark Resurrection tournament.

The United Nations played host to the tournament this weekend. During which, over fifty member states vied for the opportunity to be have their nation called the “King of the Iron fist.” But things didn’t go as smoothly as planned.

Things were okay until the Korean representative accused the American rep. of using his controller, designed specifically for his playing style, without asking. The American representative claimed it was in the best interest of America and her people. To which the Korean rep. said, “So was me fucking your mom!”

“UN bathroom inspectors must have probed a hundred bathroom stalls until they found the Korean rep. swirlied,” the Albanian rep. said. “We may have been able to help him sooner if we had more men allocated to the stalls and if the Iranian Rep. didn’t push everyone out of the way because of his ‘bad taco’ and supposed right to privacy.”

Things quickly grew worse when the refreshment stand made a grave miscalculation placing all 100 boxes of BAWLS energy drinks up for sale at once.

“We knew the things would be a big seller,” said an intern who hadn’t seen a paycheck in 6 months. “But we didn’t think that asshole German rep. would buy every last box before the first round was complete. Afterwards he’d only sell them to other nations if they’d agree to either buy them at a huge markup or suck his balls.”

The project went critical around the third round when, with high tensions, people began to ask themselves if the Israeli rep. was always a Japanese kid?

“We didn’t think anything of him at first. I mean, I didn’t even know Israel was a nation,” said the representative of Norway. “I couldn’t understand the kid and the translators were always on the job so I figured he must be a foreigner. But when I had to play against him I wondered would Israel really assign a 19-year-old with that much acne to represent their nation in the UN? By the time he beat me, I was pretty sure he was fake sent here just to win this tournament and pretty soon me, Iceland, and India agreed not to recognize Israel as a player in the tournament.”

“Yea things were really nasty by the semi-finals,” a tournament organizer said. “Everyone assumed they were talked about because they couldn’t understand anyone else. Eventually eight or nine religions were called together to start condemning people to some sort of unpleasant afterlife. A lot of feelings were hurt by that, so much that most of the people that hadn’t already walked out of the building in rage did so.”

By the end of the day, the tournament was called off and the only people playing casuals were the Jamaican rep. and some of the staff. When asked what could be done differently for the next tournament, the UN management had a secretary escort us out of the building.