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Rail! Entertainment > Docs >

Zombies are Pigs

By MaximumTacolord - 06-12-06

Workplace discrimination has been a problem ever since women started complaining about it. But what about the untold stories, the stories the feminine controlled media don’t want you to hear?

Every day millions go to work covering themselves in garlic or other foul smelling spices in hopes of protecting themselves from discrimination. This isn’t about the firmness of a breast or tightness of an ass. No, this is about something deeper: the heart. The kind of heart that ooze juices as you bite into it. The kind of heart that pushes and pulls blood throughout the meaty lunch snack that is the human body. The kind of heart that sizzles on the grill but tastes better raw. This is about “living discrimination.”

Bob is a young, ambitious, living male. Everyday he walks up the stairs, all three tortuous flights of them. Because he knows zombie Bill’s decaying legs don’t possess the coordination to follow up them. But his teeth still have the ability and desire to bite into Bob should they meet. What can he do though? In the dog eat dog world of business, no one can really complain about being eaten if the zombie gets a good quarterly review. Especially if Bob’s large gut just screams, “bite into me, I’m asking for it.” Stories like Bob’s happen every day, yet all we hear is the faint sound of chewing… and silence.

A loaded shotgun help you if you’re an intern. When you’re at the bottom of the food chain, you’re always taking the lunch orders.

But why is this still such a problem? Sure the living are seen all the time chanting in protest rallies while burning bibs. “Hey- hey. Ho-ho. We aren’t Ho Hos.” But what about the Zombies. Sure a few of them feel guilty about it and try to better themselves by eating a people tofu substitutes. But wouldn’t a group or faction like “Liver’s Lib” designed for zombies do more to change zombie thought than a bunch of alienating chants from the living and consumer based morality? But how do we get the Zombies eating the lunch lady in the cafeteria onto the streets? Some may say it’s too late for them, but what about the next group of zombies. Those bitten in college, is it too late for our youth as well?

Frederick Nietzsche, zombie and living activist, has been fighting for human rights for almost a hundred years now and is frustrated by the results. “It’s so difficult to side with humans as a zombie, because humans are always calling me a flesh-eating cock as I help them. Talk about biting the hand that isn’t biting the hand to feed. Seriously, if they’d spend less time insulting me and more time helping me out, we’d be on a lot better terms by now. Besides, it isn’t just about a couple zombies being jerks, but the whole system needs reform to prevent zombie advantages leading towards the consumption of man.”

“To make matters worse, people keep getting distracted by the symptoms and are not curing the disease. Like the movement to change the label of zombies to the living retarded,” Nietzsche continued. “How many would-be saints started screaming at as for insulting the mentally challenged? We weren’t even talking about them and we're using the term retarded in the proper sense, but those pricks are so hateful that anyone who uses the term has to be beaten back to life. It’s like Holden Caulfield said, ‘you can always tell someone is a moron because they never want to talk about what bothers them.’ We should be addressing how hate gets into the word, not changing the word so it becomes a new beacon for hate. The same thing happens with zombies, no one is addressing the issue itself, just the symptoms.”

But where are the vampires in all this? In all the court cases and chanting, it’s always the zombies being screamed about, not their undead cousins. Perhaps it has something to do with the way a vampire “embraces” you to death and leaves your corpse beautiful and Victorian like. And rarely do the vampires gangeat your body, it’s an intimate one on one kind of deal. Most people don’t even know a vampire by looking at them, they’ve conformed so well within society not even a rebellious badboy or girl act can give away their silent heart. Also, everywhere a zombie goes, hordes follow. A vampire appreciates the need for solitude from time to time.

Whatever the cause, it would seem the secret may be with the vampires. If it can be found, maybe one day the zombies, or should I say “little livings,” will figure it out and all the hatred can end.

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